I guess I'm down to posting only monthly now, unless I get more time and inspiration.
But alas, whoever may read this- The posts I make from now on will be more relevant to my world and what's going on in it.

I've sat here two days now pondering my pathetic existance on this planet. Do I Really have some impact in the world around me? Does my life have some meaning? If it does, I certainly can't find it. The only thing keeping me from eating a .45 right now is my immediate family. I don't think my parents would be able to go on with their lives without somehow feeling guilty about me. Suicide, the ultimate guilt trip. I can't do that to them. And I can't do it to others who love and care about me, even though they don't seem to care much about me any more.

I hardly sleep anymore, or eat much. I'm ugly to the bone and I can't look at my reflection any more without feeling pain. Things I've done in the past still haunt me, now more than ever. I can't get over things like I used to. Can't get past the hurt I've caused others, and the pain I've inflicted on my own heart. I don't deserve to live, and I can't pull the trigger and put an end to my suffering.
I threw myself out of heaven.
I'm in hell now.

But what does it matter to you? Why should you care whether I live or die? You shouldn't, and I don't blame you. In fact, if you were to come to me and put a gun to my head, I'd bless you.

bye for now