I admit, I rant too much. But being that I'm in a forgiving mood, I'm gonna cut you a break.

How 'bout this: You go to the grocery store/Wally world, etc. and there's no good place to park, but you look at the front rows of parking slots- AHA! There's a perfectly good handicapped parking slot not being used for anyone. Here's the rules on this. If you're just going in to buy cigs or tampons for your emotionally disturbed old lady, DON'T EVEN THINK about taking that spot. However, If you're in a hurry to grab an armload of snacks for, let's say- the Superbowl, GO FOR IT.
I've seen so many people park in a handicapped slot, place the obligatory blue placcard on the mirror, then get out, lock the door and RUN into the store, keys in one hand, food purse or food stamps in the other, that I've gotten used to it.
Here's where us handicapped (Legitimate handicaps) get our due. ONLY WOMEN are allowed to do this if they have no real reason to use/obtain a handicapped placcard. Men, sorry but you're basically fucked and have no alternative but to find a nose-bleed parking slot.
Now, Women, WHEN a Handicapped man (ie. in a wheelchair or using oxygen) sees you using one of these slots and you can't give a good reason for parking in a slot WE PAID FOR, then you MUST show us your boobs, for up to 30 seconds or at least let us take a picture of them. If not, you must touch us in a totally sexual manner (unless you're ugly, in wich case the slot's yours). Non-Compliance will mean that you either give up, go back to your car and leave immediately or sign a contract stating that you will have some sort of sex with the handicapped person who caught you, wether they're male or female.

That's the rules. Read them, Pass them on. One day we'll be over all this and live in a utopian society. But since that doesn't seem to be happening in my lifetime, Fuck it- I'm gettin' as much poon as I can while I'm alive and kicking.

The King has Spoken-

-TheLawnMowerMan

I guess I'm down to posting only monthly now, unless I get more time and inspiration.
But alas, whoever may read this- The posts I make from now on will be more relevant to my world and what's going on in it.

I've sat here two days now pondering my pathetic existance on this planet. Do I Really have some impact in the world around me? Does my life have some meaning? If it does, I certainly can't find it. The only thing keeping me from eating a .45 right now is my immediate family. I don't think my parents would be able to go on with their lives without somehow feeling guilty about me. Suicide, the ultimate guilt trip. I can't do that to them. And I can't do it to others who love and care about me, even though they don't seem to care much about me any more.

I hardly sleep anymore, or eat much. I'm ugly to the bone and I can't look at my reflection any more without feeling pain. Things I've done in the past still haunt me, now more than ever. I can't get over things like I used to. Can't get past the hurt I've caused others, and the pain I've inflicted on my own heart. I don't deserve to live, and I can't pull the trigger and put an end to my suffering.
I threw myself out of heaven.
I'm in hell now.

But what does it matter to you? Why should you care whether I live or die? You shouldn't, and I don't blame you. In fact, if you were to come to me and put a gun to my head, I'd bless you.

bye for now

Man, I hate beating a dead horse as much as anyone else, but I'd REALLY love to get an iPod for Christmas!
I'd posted a link to signup at freeipods.com a long time ago, and had lots of people clicking the link and creating accounts there, but only four ever went through with completing an offer there. :(
So I'm asking- Just One Person- to go to Freeipods.com using my personal referral link and completing just One Offer- I'd pay someone to do it... I have a Paypal account and would gladly pay $10.00, or maybe more- if someone would just click this link , sign up and Complete just One- Just ONE offer- And stay with it for a month- or at least 3 weeks.

Do I sound pathetic? I do... But I don't apologize for this blatant smathering of referral links. I JUST DON'T HAVE the cash needed to actually BUY an iPod. :(
I work my ass off, and provide for my kid and ex-wife so THEY can have a decent life... So I don't have much of one for myself.
I know- Would I like some Cheese with my Whine? No thanks- give me gas.


So, If you're in a giving mood this Christmas, or if you want to make a quick $10.00, Sign up using this link http://ipods.freepay.com/?
You can email me if you want the cash, I check my email everyday and reply to as many as I can. And I will reply to anyone interested in this.

Thanks in advance to all the givers (or just plain old "Thanks EVERYONE!")

And MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!

TheLawnMowerMan

Reading though some blogs lately, in the hope that I could find some really interesting compositions, I've noticed that you, my children, have gone astray. You've started ignoring my Ten Commandments for Blogging, and you must now be punished.

For your enlightenment on The Commandments, I shall post them again here. You shall obey them, or suffer. I have more commentary below my Commandments, so keep reading.

-------The Ten Commandments for Blogging-------

1. A blog that has a title that starts with the words "My Life" will get two seconds before I click "Next Blog" unless it it has something that really catches my eye.
2. Blogs that use the + pointers that replace my default mouse pointer will IMMEDIATELY be deemed as unviewable and I will go to the next blog.
3. If I see a picture of three oriental kids holding a basket-ball, NEXT BLOG. (note, I've see that photo on 5 or six different blogs and I'm tired of looking at it)

4. Cross-Dresser's blogs will be skipped, unless they have something witty in the first line of their blog. It's not that I'm against cross-dressers, just don't get into it.
5. Commercial blogs. The "Info-mercial" blogs, where people decide to post Multi-level-Marketing (MLM) content, or strickly business blogs, NEXT BLOG.
6. Weird Sexual blogs. I think this goes without saying, except that I think most of us are getting annoyed at the weirdo's out there who are posting pics of people doing things with objects, animals, or hermaphrodites. NEXT BLOG.

7. Thou Shalt Not -post something that condemns me to hell for being the way I am. Screw you guys, just who the hell appointed YOU God? I think the Big Guy is probably getting pissed at YOU for making Him (God) look bad to those who really could use His Help!
8. Lack of originality. Any site that has nothing but links to OTHER sites, NEXT BLOG.
9. Bad grammar. I'm an American, and was brought up to use real words, real punctuation, and correct spelling -as much as possible.
(sO win i FInda sIt dat lOkz lIk Diss ), I Click NEXT BLOG.
10. Soap Opera Fansites. Look, you people have places to go, things to do? Don't you have some thoughts about something that is even interesting to You? Maybe you could get political, or comment about how your best friend has dyed her hair pink, and your menses is really pissing you off, or some guy bashed you for writing about your site because you don't write anything except what happened today on your favorite soaps. Damn that guy!

These are the Commandments. Read them. Learn to apply them to your own blog and you shall prosper. :)
Ok, I've spouted enough. But really, I thought I'd put this out there again so that people might gain a new appreciation for blog land or the blogosphere, or whatever you call it yourself. The "Commandments" above really are a good way to get people to stay with your blog longer, and maybe even contribute some good material for you or put a link to your site from theirs.
I've come to realize that approximately 85% (by my own calculation) of the blogosphere has some really nice, personable sites with downright great folks writing them. The other 15% are pretty much a bunch of a$$holes with nothing else to do but bitch and moan about how the other 85% piss them off. So, with that in mind, I have my keyboard and mouse close at hand with the "Next Blog" button positioned so that I can click it fast.
AND! I've removed those Google Ads. If you want to see them again, Too Bad! :) They're gone forever. At one point, I was getting over 300 visitors a DAY to my site, Google ads weren't making me ANY money, and I really could've used it at the time.
Oh well.
Take care and don't step on a toad.

TheLawnMowerMan

Well, it's been what- 6 months since my last post? Ahem. Sorry about that folks. And I hope this will be my last vacation from blogging.

Here's one (or many, depending on how you look at it) the "I can't beleive this" column.
Hurricane Dennis comes along, just missing my once peaceful town of Panama City, swiping the Pensacola area (this is two major storms for them in the last 8 months), relocating many to shelters for a ride that would scare the shit out of Space Mountain frequenters, then goes on it's merry way upstates. Meanwhile, some really fine folks who decided that last year's hurricane leap-frog game wasn't enough, so they stayed around and Rebuilt their homes, condo's hotels and vacation getaways. You probably seen a lot of them on the news last year, crying about how they couldn't imagine how they were going to survive while their $2,000,000.00 homes were being put back on the stilts that Ivan knocked them off of.
Now these same buttholes are on the news, playing the "Woe is Me" game again. Here's my thinking. Take all the beach-house and beach condo owners to a seminar on how to purchase homes that Won't Blow Away Every Year. Force them to sit for 3-4 days in a humid, cramped and dark room that smells like 5-day old armpits and lecture them on the absolute INSANITY of building on beaches that have been eroding ever since hurricanes have been hitting them.
What kind of idiot actually thinks that rising homeowners insurance is a good idea for these poeple? Show of hands? - I didn't think so.
I recall Ivan. Mind you, I was only on the outskirts of it, but it struck a chord with me as a common man. There were a LOT of homeowners that lived farther inland in Pensacola that lost a lot more than a condo. They lost their job, their clothes, automobile, pet, food, and/or home. Not to mention the ones that got killed in Ivan's wrath. Drowned by a killer that was no respector of people, and didn't care if you were rich or poor.
Now comes Dennis. Again I have to see all these Poor rich people whining about how much this hurts them because they have to shell out another $1.5 Million to repair their roofs and floors, or because the beach eroded and the next storm will wipe out their savings. I say- MOVE THE *UCK OUT and GO INLAND you freaking 'tards! Don't walk, RUN- There's another storm on the way, dumbasses!

For all of the middle to lower income folks over there in Pensacola, My hat is off to you, and I hope that these rich a$$holes drop their wallets in your neighborhood. You're finer folks than they are. Not to mention that They're one of the reasons that homeowner's insurace is getting sky-high.

And One More Thing,

When a hurricane comes our way, and you don't live here- STAY THE HELL AWAY! We have enough problems with traffic during storms without you assholes coming down here rubber-necking and driving badly. I hope they pass a law allowing your arrest. In the mean-time, watch out for me. I may just ruin your hurricane tour. I'm evil when it comes to your kind. And I hope a 2x4 finds the windsheild of your car while you're here.

TheLawnMowerMan

Convoluted Insanity: An Early Christmas Wish
(BLOGEXPLOSION READERS TAKE NOTICE) If you are one of those who like to chuckle out loud at politics, even though you're sick of reading about it, and don't mind a little obscenity, religious ranting and such- you Really should go read this. *Not for the Faint of Heart or Easily Offended!*

Thanks to Mia at Cio My Bella! for the redesign of my site. I hope you like it, because I think it's Great!
TheLawnMowerMan